When Pigs Fly
by Tutu Pele
Summary: Enchanted Forest missing year fluff. Robin thinks all is lost when Regina shuts down his attempts at flirting yet gap gain, but has his faith renewed when the next words out of her mouth are "When pigs fly." Well, that could be arranged. T for slight language (I think the word damn is used twice, and only in Regina's head.), and innuendo's. Pretty much K. One shot.


Regina was having a perfectly pleasant (Okay, she was moping about Henry) walk the palace garden's when it was rather rudely interrupted by a certain tszhief. It seemed that Robin Hood's sole purpose in life was to antagonize the Queen.

In reality he was just flirting.

"Your Majesty! Fancy seeing you here." Since realizing that being rude to Regina just entertained her, and gave her more opportunities to humiliate him, Robin began trying a new tactic. Flirting with her seemed to infuriate her more than constant teasing, and it was certainly more fun.

He didn't do it because he actually wanted to court her. Why would you say that?

"Thief. It never ceases to amaze me that you continuously find me, no matter how I try to avoid you." Regina turned to face him, her long dress twirling around her. "We must be the next Snow & Charming." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"I would never participate in a relationship as sickly sweet as theirs. I prefer something with a little bit of a bite." Regina turned back to her apple tree and pulled a ripe fruit down. This one seemed ready. It was red, un-bruised-

"I can bite quite well." The apple tumbled out of her grasp. If he thought cheap jokes could get her he was in for a big surprise! How dare he implicate such a thing! It was... It was... For a second the word hot flashed into Regina's mind, but she batted it away immediately.

"Not interested." She reached down for the fallen fruit, looking it over once more to see if it's fall from grace had damaged it.

"Not yet."

"You and me? When pigs fly, thief." Regina threw him the apple as she sauntered back to the palace. When pigs fly... Well, that could be arranged! What would infuriate the Queen more than to have her own words thrown back at her! Perhaps he could trick her into a date, in the process. Not that he wanted to, but it would give him more time... To infuriate her!

It had nothing to do with the way Regina's hips had that extra sway around him, or the way she always wore red lipstick, or how she somehow knew which dresses made him crazy.

Robin sighed. He needed to accept now that Regina Mills was the real reason he was doing this. Verbal sparring with her had become the second best thing in his life (after his son). Time to tell little John that their next mission was a flying pig.

XXX

"A flying pig? Robin, I know she's an attractive woman, but is she really worth all of this? Why can't you just find someone else, move on."

Robin didn't know how his friend immediately guessed why he wanted a flying pig (Anyone who wasn't blind, Robin, or Regina knew about their mutual attraction. For the Gods sakes, even Snow White had noticed!). It was quite annoying that he'd jumped to that conclusion, but he was right.

"I know how you feel, but there's something between us. Something real, and I can't just ignore it and choose somebody else!" Robin sighed. "She's just amazing. I'm too far gone to head back now, John."

John rolled his eyes. Robin's infatuations came and went constantly, and each time he'd sworn up and down that she was the one. He was sure this would pass. But did they really have to find a damn flying pig before it did?

"Fine. But you're a thief, for the Gods sakes. Can't you just fake the pig?"

"Now that could work."

XXX

While setting everything up, Tobin had avoided Regina almost completely, so he wouldn't let anything slip before the big show. It took a few weeks for everything to be prepared. Regina almost thought that Robin had given up on romancing her, and this upset her more than she cared to admit.

It was a good thing Regina almost never went in the castle auditorium, or she would've seen that a small structure was being built on the stage. It resembled the small boxes that marionette puppet masters would use to hide their hands, except much, much larger. Large enough for a man to be strapped to its ceiling, hidden by the curtains, and move the strings attached to a very frightened pig.

XXX

By the time Robin called everyone to the auditorium for a "special showing", everyone but Regina was in on the gag. Everyone but Snow, that is. You just can't count on her to keep a secret. Before walking onto the stage, Robin checked one last time that the pig was secure in its harness (safely hidden behind large angel wings). Satisfied that everything was in place, he threw on his costume (You don't even want to know.), and strode onto the stage, a big smile on his face.

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Sorry to interrupt you day, but I needed witnesses so that her Majestly the Queen could not get out of this. I also needed witnesses so my murder would be an easy case for our former sheriff in the back there." Robin winked at David before continuing his speech.

"If her Majesty would join me on the stage." Regina attempted to resist, but eventually Snow's poking on one side and Tink's incessant whisperings of "The lion tattoo! The lion tattoo!" (She hadn't noticed before he got on stage, but Regina knew all too well.) finally got her to break down and she begrudgingly joined him.

"Now, your majesty, did you not say to me, and I quote "You and me? When pigs fly, thief."?" Regina felt very certain that she was walking into a trap, but there seemed to be no escape. Not with so many witnesses. Damn him!

"Yes..." She said cautiously.

"Would you stand by that statement?"

"Of course. There is no possible way that you found a flying pig!" Once again her arrogance was her undoing. No sooner had she said this that a squealing, terrified pig swooped in.

"So, I believe her Majesty owes a certain thief a date. Don't you agree, folks?" Robin turned back to the smiling crowd. The reply was unanimous.

 _Damn him_. Regina thought as she suppressed a smirk.

She would be doing a lot more than damning him in the future.


End file.
